“You did not fear death. You stepped in its path, but without really desiring it: how can one desire something one doesn’t know? You didn’t deny life but affirmed your taste for the unknown, betting that if something existed on the other side, it would be better than here.”
― Édouard Levé, Suicide
Sometimes the only way to stop hurting is to stop breathing, sometimes there is nothing left in this world. Continue reading “Roaming through this darkness I’m alive but I’m alone Part of me is fighting this But part of me is gone”
“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill themself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill themself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” ― David Foster Wallace
This is in memory of my Brother Mark. He was 43 years old when he took his life. Mark had suicidal tendencies. And that is a world where the desire to live in this painful place is almost entirely absent. Towards the end, his world was black and the light never returned. He had become hopeless. He had become suicidal and the desire to live was absent entirely. The light that had once shone out of his eyes was gone. Forever. The darkness took over and my brother was gone. And we still don’t know why
Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing, only a signal shown, and a distant voice in the darkness; So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another, only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence.
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=41056980
Never mind the darkness
You still can find a way
Because nothing lasts forever
Even cold November rain
ONE COLD DAY IN DECEMBER
the vast expanse of the sea,
the line where heaven meets earth,
I released your soul to the winds.
The celebration of your life
will go on forever to all who knew you.
You are home now, and I am
no longer afraid to die.
Only memories remain of you now
You’ ve given in to darkness and to doubt
You couldn`t find the strength to cast
The demons out